Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
