my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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