im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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