it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
pop tarts are not kleenex
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
