You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
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I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
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Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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