Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
