my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
