So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
