On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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