I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
