Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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