ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just had sex on a roof
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
