Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
