some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
