1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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