He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
