Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
