I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
