there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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