Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
