I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
