history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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