Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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