Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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