I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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