You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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