well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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