Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
