remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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