It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
