he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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