If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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