Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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