i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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