I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
