Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
