just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
