Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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