I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
