i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
