I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
