and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
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God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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