Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
