I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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