Kiss
Puke
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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