I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You made out with two different species that night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
