i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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