Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
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But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
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my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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