the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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