you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
