i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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