i'm signing you up for texting rehab
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
