In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
